Yan.

In the land of Yan, the Demiurge sacrifices himself to the apocalypse. The land is repentfully revieved. The continue their lives of light for a while and then become something darkly sinister. The return to their ways of sin.

The older brother, younger brother. Big sister, little sister. Junior, Senior. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a giant phrat. They are all emotional volcanos in the land of the unrequited.

What is wrong with this culture?

Nothing it's just so different from what you're used to.

What's wrong with your culture?

I had a dream that I was working for Apple computer and I had to make their server software work faster and to help those with the the software. There weren't that many people who had microsoft networks so I was left waiting around.

I need to write an ad for ETC to hire a new teacher.

ETC Dongguk Learning Center in Gyeong Ju, South Korea is in search of enthusiastic teachers to fill ESL teaching positions. Positions become available at the beginning of July and August. ETC is primarily a adult hagwon so most of your students will be from middle school to adult, you might have one kid's class.

I'm trying to get through Ulysseus, but I think I would be better off shoving a long needle into my eye socket and jostling it around. Isaac Newton did it.

I need to visit the doctors. I'm not quite sure what is going on with my body, but I am not invincible anymore. I need to take care of things. I know that I need to go see a dentist. I think I should also try to find a doctor who can test me for diabetes and if he can do something about my eczema. Sigh...how did I come to be this way? I thought I was invincible. I thought I would be young forever. The vehicle seems to be breaking down.

Yes. I was stuck on top of Namsam mountain at night. A monk had to give me a flashlight to help me get down. I fell twice, I got lost in a waterbed but now I'm fucking drunk off of soju and lying in my bed. Well soon at least. I think i could use Namsan to frame another story. The search for myself...in a Dharma Bums sort of way.

I got lucky with a cabby and the GalMaeGiSal restaurant server. Boy, do I love her. I"ll tell you the whole story tomorrow.

I was fighting with Gino Veriopolas over how to properly make the Pasticcio. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong, but he said, "Danny, now if you just want to slop this together then sure then go on, but you can do better than that. The pasticcio must be properly layered, the potato first, but these, these potatoes are too soft. Feel them, what are you making mashed potatoes? They've got to have some umph to them...some...body. What were you doing, jerking off while the potatoes were being cooked? There's like 10 potatoes that are just boiled to shit, Danny. Alright, alright, let's not get upset here. I'll take care of it. Just go clean off the tables or something."

"But I want to learn how to do it."

"Danny, there will be other times. Why don't you let me do this now. We have to get ready for dinner tonight."

I think that was it. Nothing special. I'm feeling a lot better today. I took the homepathic medicine. I'm trying to figure out what brought on this outbreak. I don't think I want to see anyone tonight. I think I'm going to be a hermit. Hey, why not.

It was almost revolutionary, but big named studios don't do anything really revolutionary.

that was so fuckin predictable

I don't know if it's the soju or if the movie is actually good. It might be that this is Tom Cruise's fuck off movie. I respect Tom Cruise's intelligence. I think he picked Jamie Fox and he picked the roll because, shit, we are fucking sick of regular hollywood movies.

i think he's played the game for so long that now he wants to take a risk and become an enemy, but his ego makes him take this roll. He wants to be an enemy, a bad guy, but HE wants to be THE BAD GUY. I think this is the bad guy. Something is going to happen. We'll see the ending first.

I lost Unju today. She gave me the hints, she wants me and I fucked it up. She is the one, one of the ones I could have had.

Fuck it...drink...sleep...wake.up...ennui

My mind is clean, but the fruit flies still exist

I am wondering if the reason I want to get the tiny weeny bits of ramen in the bottom of the cup of ramen is because of the MSG

I am getting to the point where movies are not actually useful, but fleeting thoughts. I am simply trying to absorb as much shit as possible. I am lookiing at nuances and fucking sequences and shit. I am looking for something I can use.

Fuck it all to hell. I AM BECOMING A PREDATOR.

Movies are the fastest scrapings of memories I can possibly get.

Story idea

I would like to write a story about two adolescents. The two would be known as the walkers. Their names would be Lexander and Ares. I would like to model this after the big bang theory and of the ideas of Gnosticism and the Greek gods. I would like characters to be a 12 year old girl named Lexander and her companion, champion, protector and her burden, whom she calls Ares. Ares is extraordinarily strong. He has many powers but mainly he can bring out the potential energy in any object and wield it against them. He can bend light. I don't know what his power is yet, but I would like for him to be missing certain things.

Ares always wears a mask, he is missing his left arm and right leg. He has not moved since the beginning of time, imprisoned at the end of the world by a very tall, gaunt, and very savvy and sophisticated Gnosis. Gnosis is similar to Lucifer in ideas, but his quick wittedness provokes a sense of uncertainty.

Lexander will go to him and give him his first memory and Ares will start to move and he will escape and try to destroy Gnosis. Gnosis will survive because of Lexander's compassion. They will go to walk to their first world.

The first world's demiurge is Yang.

It is a world of complete serenity and peace. Everyone is happy and easy going. Arts of the utmost importance, everyone loves one another and they treat Lexander and Ares with complete compassion.

The thing is Lexander and Ares are on a mission to go to each world and to entrap or kill the demiurges and cause their world to stop. The first world, seeming so perfect, Lexander doesn't want to kill it. Traveling through it there is one person. He fears something and he is blind, one eye has been ripped out and he sits in the bottom of a deep cave.

Ares is drawn to something he has. The man, emaciated and mananical has hidden something. Something to note. Ares can't see at this point. He has no eyes. He needs Lexander to lead him. He also has no ears. You see part of his mission is to find the separate parts of himself, to become the ultimate disciple. Maybe not disciple...warrior? I don't know yet.

Anyway, Ares will find in the cave his eye. He can now see, but not in the traditional way. The eye rests in the middle of his chest and most of the time it remains closed. When it opens it leaves his chest and levatates around him.

The eye lets Ares see the truth. Yang's world is a world that knows that an impending apocalypse is coming. For the last 1000 years generations have known that a world destroying comet was headed to Yang, which was sent by their god to give them a timeline of apocalypse. Knowing that the world was going to be destroyed, the people lived a very good life- following all the laws of their god and praying and living the way that their god intended.

Lexander and Ares would confront their god and them have him sacrificed to the comet. The people knowing that their savior killed themselves were relieved and very appreciative of their savior, but, but, in time returning to the world we will find that the world will become the most evil of all.

I had someone call me hoss. I was playing NHL 98 on the sega genesis. My team was the pittsburgh penguins. My team is decimated from injuries. I think I only had Jagr and Kovalev left on my team. I mean the good players like Larry Murphy, Francis, Nednik, Lemeiux, everyone was injured at the beginning of the game. At opening faceoff my center gets injured. I think I have a team of no names and Jagr left to challenge a regular team. What does my dream mean? I don't know.

I had a talk with Raimi last night. Patrick and another Australian girl was there. They were teachers at Gyeong Ju and they were talking about Robert Dickey. Robert Dickey is an american that looks like a beagle with his ears chopped off. As Raimi put it, "he is a sudoriferous, fracical, brown nosing, yankee doodle shithead of a bush licking motherfucker. (Sudoriferous means sweaty.) Do I really want to work at Gyeong Ju? I don't know.

My eczema is the worst its been in months. My right thumb, my right heel and side and left heel have major fissures. It's driving me crazy. I might have to call Prociuk. Sigh.

I'm going to get ready for school.

Dan

So I think I'm going to have to unplug from my computer and internet and ipod and camera and cellphone and who knows what else. I'm becoming like Neo in the stupid pod. My muscles are astrophied and I'm really squishy, which is starting to bother me quite a bit.

I have learned that I need to self motivate myself, but honestly I don't have that much motivation. I need to get myself onto a schedule. Maybe I need to give up meat or something because it seriously messes up my body. In the last couple of days I settled into the fact that I'm never going to be a beautiful metrosexual man that flashes the rosen chest and perfectly primmed textured hair. I don't think that's what I was every going for, but...I might have been and well I decided that I was happy beginning a average slightly over weight, functionally athletic, above averagely intelligent guy.

Is that so bad?

I mean I'm not a beast to look at, I mean there are girls that do find me attractive...but being a critical motherfucker I don't find them so. It's a dilemna. But to be completely honest with you, I need to get myself better organized. This flightly nymphy- going about just getting by, isn't working. I need structure.

I need to join a goddamn gym. I learned that I don't motivate myself enough to exercise on my own. I should study at least 1 hour a day on Korean. That I do need and let's see...I should write for at least 30 minutes a day, because I don't have anything substantial enough to write more.

I need to stop obsessing over things. I mean shit last night with Kate you were a bastard. You need to apologize to her. She's going to snap and I think you're going to be the force doing it.

Become yourself and everything else will follow.

Isn't that what the tarot said?

hahahahahahaha

shantie

If you don't care, you're capable of anything.

Another messed up dream. I don't know what it is that is causing them. They are getting more vivid every night, but every night they are vivid for only minutes before the dissolve into a melonchoy mood that tends to unnerve my students. I need to write them down after I have the dream. I need to write them down after the dream.

I need to Deconstruct them to find out what is going on in my life. There may be something brewing under the fissures.

My ezcema is getting worse and I don't know why. Something is causing the skin to change. I was almost healed. Maybe it's time to move on or maybe it is time to settle in and accept things for what they are.

New Animated Sitcom concept:

The Greek gods done in a funny kind of style. You would have the philandering Zeus married to the extremely jealous and sexually repressed Hera, while Zeus has affairs with the mortal Greek women. Then you have all their children like Ares the rampillion idiot cry baby, the cute baby trickster Hermes, the crazy sportholics Apollo and Artemis/ Artemis' lover Orion, and Eileithyia the barefoot and perpetually barefoot daughter of childbirth. I think that the surrounding neighborhood could have like Dionysius working the bar, Hephestatis as the quiet but genius bum- someone who was never given a chance to really make something of themselves.

Of course they wouldn't have television, but they could watch the mortals for pleasure through their clouds in heaven.

People would die, but it wouldn't be serious, more in a itchy and scratchy sort of way. After the greeks there is also the Egyptians and the Aztecs. The mythologies could go on and on.

I think it would be an interesting show. I mean I would have to do research and we all know that I am lazy.

Darn...
Sigh

My dreams for the last two nights have been surprising disturbing. I don't really know why. Last night I dreamed that thousands of maggots and bugs swarmed around my room and around me as they spilled unto the ground and I crushed as many of them as possible, but to no avail.

Last night I dreamed that I was being attacked by hundreds of blood splattered boys. Their left eyes all blood shot and squinted while the right seemed to be the eye of a wolf set aglimmered by the full moon.

Am I going mad?

It's mom's birthday. I have to call.

Ideas are America's greatest exports, and ideas are the easiest and most readily stolen.

Stocks are up. I'm up $173.00 in one month. Huh, pretty cool.

I guess it's beginner's luck.

I found out last night that I didn't get the job at the University. I mean it's great to know because now I can plan for my future, but shit it looks like my resume didn't even get close to the cut.

So what does that mean? I think it means that my future is still up in the air. I have to decide if I'm going to stay in Gyeong Ju or if I'm moving.

Japan is still an option, but I learned 2 weeks ago that I can't deal with the pollution in Seoul.

I'm looking at Jeju island now or I should get my packet together and apply for Gyeong Ju University. It would be good to have the job. I mean it would be my foot in the door at a real university. I would have 5 weeks of vacation and only like 21 hours of work a week plus one day off during the week. I would have to get a car though.

Shit I'm a little disappointed, because I thought Mr. Cheong was going to help me out. I mean I thought they could all help me out.

The fortune teller was wrong.

But if you think about it, it was bound to happen. I mean I could stay at ETC, but I don't really want to. I don't know. What am I going to do?

I'll think about it a bit more, I mean I have 73 days to decide.

Dan

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up to the standard for the rest of your life. W.C. Fields

I'm feeling grossy horroshow from the vitimins and nourishmalcontents recieved from the elixir of morning juice.

Cynthia is the Nexus of Bad Ju Ju

Manic Imagination

I think that David Sedaris talks to me...and only me. I think we're kindred spirits or some shit because he's writing about how he went to France to try to learn the language, but for almost 2 years he could only say a couple phrases.

I mean I've been in South Korea for almost 10 months now, but my skills are barely...baby. I don't know exactly what I should do. I mean, I've got a teacher, I record lectures, I used to study (it got too difficult). I think I've come to the realization that I'm not a language person, or the plethora of Marijuana I smoked killed those brain cells.

Sigh. Maybe I should try yoga or eat some ginseng to relieve those dead cells.

But then I remembered when dead, the brain cells are dead.

I need to study for my Korean class tomorrow.
I need to study for my Korean class tomorrow.
I need to study for my Korean class tomorrow.
I need to study tomorrow for my Korean class.
For my Korean class tomorrow, I need to study?
Tomorrow I need to study for my Korean class.

I went to Oedo this weekend.

Oedo.

Wow.

Oedo is a private botanical island near the southern coast of South Korea. The entire island is filled with flowers and plants. Many of the flowers are exotic and they are intricately arranged to fill the viewer with a sense of awe and wonder. The island also has many interesting statues. Some of which are well, homoerotic, I think.

The ship ride to the island is very interesting because the sea is a bit rocky and quarters being tight, you can feel the rip and roar of the currents of the sea. It is a bit unsettling for a tummy if it indulged in Soju the night before. So I'm on the ship with Jisun, her husband, and her friend Yeonmi and I'm feeling a bit horrorshow - trying not to ralph the soju, bits of kim chi chigge and the kim bap I had for breakfast, when the captain of the boat decides to sell dried octopus on the ship that's like the Titanic hitting the berg! I'm not talking about little bits of octopus, no I'm talking about 2 foot husks of dried octopus are being sold. The scent of dried fishy octopussy smell wafts into the air. It's fucking lovely because the scent is like two fingers shoved into my mouth, attempting buliminia. I swallow hard and think of ANYTHING then the growing billiousness nausea growing in my gutty.

The neighbor next to me ripped off a husk of tenacle and offered it to me. I nodded no, and nodded a bit too profusely because I was really trying to shake off the vomit about to spew onto his hand.

I guess I'm really not Korean, because everyone else seemed perfectly content with the air profigating queasiness for any weiguken.

But then.

I heard it.

There was the sound of dry heaving and the captain, whose hands previously sold the octopus, unsheathed a barf bag out of his pocket and held it before the heaving middle aged woman. The speed in which the captain did this was amazing. He was like a samurai deftly decapitating an enemy, but he was actually trying not to maim, but to save because vomit is like a domino. One person wretches and then another and another and another. The air would be filled with the scent of what was previously safetly stored away and was being processed for either immediate use or squirreled away for use during a day of fast or lack.

It was a false alarm. And for that I was thankful.

We came to port and kissed the ground with my feet, I breathed in the beautiful scent of
the fresh air and I was glad.

I bought Apple Computer AAPL at 37.00 and it's at $34.77 now :( I bought Ebay at 33 and it's at 35.00 :| and Martha Stewart, I bought at 17 and it's at 24! :)

That Martha is one crafty bitch.

I decided that Rambunctious is a cool word. I'm going to teach the Koreans this word.

I decided that I'm sick and tired of the search. I think I'm ready to settle down. I've been running from something, everything, nothing, whatever for too long and it's time to face reality and find someone that is halfway compatible and then work my ass off to make myself 80-90 percent compatible.

Is it possible? How many relationships have I had in which the girls were willing to put up with my bullshit, but my commitment phobic self brought to a hideous demise?

There must have been at least 3.

So, what's the deal?

I have a good job. I'm ambitious, hardworking and I'm going to give up on my dreams for a bit. I've come to the realization that I'm not going to be a famous writer like Stephen King, Haruki Murakami, etc. I think I've spent a great part of my life in search of the unattainable. I'm just not that smart.

I am however, a really good teacher. I know that because my students love me and they seem to remember what I say. It gets me off when my students start using words like "awkward, ennui, perspective, debacle," and so on.

But even when a person will ask a simple question like, "How was your weekend?" makes me happy because I know that person has probably never spoken a full sentence in English in their entire life.

Hey, I'm glad I came to this realization at age 25 rather then at 50. Chasing dreams can be great, but sometimes, you might have to just let it go. Maybe one day the butterfly you were chasing will fly back and land on the sunny pasture of your shoulder.

It's time for a green tea breakfast.

Dan

I am taking multitasking to the nth level.

Or so I say.

Now, I don't know if it is great or what not, but, "Hello, my name is Daniel and I am addicted to my iPod. It started with a couple of songs and then music wasn't good enough, so I started to record lectures and lessons of things that I wanted to learned and now I've moved on to the audiobooks.

It started with David Sedaris, then I moved on to "Who Moved my Cheese," "Hamlet," "Aloft" by Chang-rae Lee, and I just purchased, "A Short History of Nearly Everything" by Bill Bryson and "Ulysses" by James Joyce. I now have ambitions of self education. It's becoming too much. It is no longer enough to simply enjoy the music, noooo. Now I have to try to enlighten and better myself.

Look at this shit, now I'm blogging and I have a homepage.

www.homepage.mac.com/happylunatic (my shameless plug)

I am becoming so utterly technologically dependent that I might as well look into installing an electric socket into my gut and use the residual fat, caused by a lack of exercise and excessively carb rich foods, to power all this shit.

I'm also one of those assholes that has accessorized the iPod with silicon condoms to protect it from scratches. I've got the armbands and clear screen protectors. It's getting too much. I've got the fucking cables and the adapters. I ordered an extra official iPod earphone complete with the little remote control. I've got the iPod FM tuner and the audio recorder. Oh, and I'm the asshole that wasn't happy with just the 30gig ipod photo...NOOOOO....I had to buy the 512 iPod Shuffle.

I'm addicted to my iPods.

Pretty soon I'm going to get the webfeeds and then I'm going to be the hard drive of useless information and opinions that I'm never really going to use.

Maybe my addiction is a cry for help, because I think of my iPod's as my nourishing mother. I'm never alone now. I'm never alone.

I used to think Bill Gates was bad, but if you think about it, computers should be bumbling and incompetent. If they become to perfect like Apples, (another shameless plug for Apple because like Forrest Gump, I own stock-AAPL). Steve Jobs is my Leader. My Leader. I will do what you say my leader.

Then again, it ain't all that bad. In the last couple of weeks, I've read (listened) to more books then I have in a long time. I've been relatively calm and collected and shit. I'll finish this thought later. I have to go teach.

Dan

Hello, Hello. I'm helping my Korean students with a school project. They have to memorize a dialogue about an important tourist attraction in Gyeong Ju, South Korea. They decided to do Poseokjeong which is, well read the dialogue.

R: Reporter

G: Gyeong Ju citizen

Location: Poseokjeong

R: This is Kim Hye-ri reporting live for CNN from beautiful Gyeong Ju, South Korea. I am standing at the foot of the majestic Gumgangsam mountain at Pokemonjeong, which is the last historical sight on the list of historical locations in Gyeong Ju and I must admit, the one with the most colorful history.

(LEE hears this and knows it is

Wrong.)

G: Excuse me…but.

R: It doesn’t look like much now, but this stone snake in the ground was the playground to kings and their beautiful guests. Kings would lounge around, Pokemonjeong which means “Outhouse built near the Apple Stone Channel”, and they would invite singers to play guitars as they floated cups full of soju down the river.

G: Excuse me!

R: The singers with the best voices would have to drink the shots when they reached them-

G: Hello!

R: What! Can’t you see that I’m trying to do my job here! Who are you!

G: I’m a Gyeong Ju citizen and I wanted to tell you that your information is all wrong!

R: What do you mean it’s all wrong! I got it off the internet! It’s has to be all true!

G: Look buddy, this is not Gumgangsam mountain. Gumgangsam mountain is in North Korea!

R: Look pal, it doesn’t really matter. Korea is Korea, north, south, east, west- whatever.

(A Cellphone Rings. The reporter picks it up.)

R: What! I am in the middle of my show! Oh, hello boss. Oh, so it’s not Pokemonjeong. It’s Posokjeong and it’s the first site on the list of historical places. Ok. Right. Ok, so I should make him my special guest reporter or I’m fired. Right. I get it. I promise to do a better job.

(The Gyeong Ju citizen kicks the Reporter.)

Ow! What did you do that for!

G: For being an idiot.

R: Look, how would you like to be my special guest reporter?

G: I wouldn’t be your guest anything!

R: We’ll pay you.

G: How much.

(They turn around and the Reporter hands the Gyeong Ju citizen money. The citizen looks very happy and they shake hands.)

R: Hello this is Hye-ri and

G: Special reporter Lee reporting live for CNN from beautiful Gyeong Ju, South Korea. I am standing at the foot of the majestic Namsan mountain at Poseokjeong, which is the first historical sight on the list of historical locations in Gyeong Ju and I must admit, the one with the most colorful history.

(LEE hears this and knows it is

Wrong.)

R: It doesn’t look like much now, but this stone snake in the ground was the playground to kings and their beautiful guests. Kings would lounge around, Poseokjeon which means:

G: “Pavilion built near the Abalone Stone Channel”, and they would invite poets to write poetry as guests floated cups of wine down the channel.

R: Really. That’s really interesting Lee. Why did they do that?

G: Well, Hye-ri, it was a kind of an ancient drinking game. A poet would be asked to compose some lines of verse and if he failed to accomplish this, then he would have to drink the wine as punishment.

R: That doesn’t really sound like punishment to me Lee.

G: This stone channel originally had a beautiful tortoise shaped stone and from the turtle’s mouth flowed the water that filled this “stone snake” as my friend has called it.

R: Did robbers steal the stone?

G: Actually, history tells us that a governor took it to his family tomb during the Choson Dynasty.

R: Interesting and is there a myth surrounding Poseokjeong?

G: There is one rumor that Hon-gang, the forty-ninth king of the Shilla empire saw a ghost while visiting Poseokjeong. The spirit had come down from the southern mountain and taught him the Shilla dance of the Omusangshinmu.

R: Wow. That must be one funky dance. Can you give us a demonstration Lee?

G: I don’t think so, Hye-ri.

R: Anyway, I read somewhere that Poseokjeong is like Rome, because it lead to the downfall of the once great Shilla empire.

G: That is somewhat true. The kings of the Shilla did start to abuse their power and privilege. Poseokjeong was where the fifty-fifth king, Kyongae was murdered by his enemies. Kyongae was warned that King Gyonwon of the Baegje Dynasty would try to invade his lands, but instead of heeding those warnings he came to Poseokjeong to enjoy himself with his Queen and his subjects.

R: Well, if you’ve gotta go, then you might as well have fun.

G: But that’s the thing. Kyongae could have saved himself and his people if he had been a responsible king. Instead he and his subjects drank and danced until Gyonwon came to Poseokjeong and killed them all.

R: Well if Kyongae was such a bad king, it shouldn’t have mattered.

G: But it did matter because after Kyongae there was only one more Shilla King, King Kyongsun. The once great Shilla kingdom fell because a moment’s pleasure seemed more important than a kingdom’s safety. It is very shameful.

R: Well folks, there you have it. The spot we stand was the bloody demise of a great king and his beautiful subjects. It was also the beautiful playground and the birthplace of one of history’s most interesting drinking games. Is there anything you would like to add Lee?

G: Hi Mom and I would like to invite everyone to visit Dynamic Korea and pristine Gyeong Ju.

R: Thank you for tuning in. Hye-ri reporting from Poseokjeong, Gyeong Ju South Korea.

Midgets shouldn't date Amazon Women.

You shouldn't eat meat on a stick, especially if you bought it off the street.

There might be a reason for all this insanity, although a reason exists, is it plausible?

Hello Miss Secretary,

It is Monday, actually it's Tuesday, but I would still like to consider it Monday because I am still in a Monday frame of mind.

I have returned from Seoul and it was a successful trip. I did all the things that I wanted to do and I saw the sights that I deemed sightable and well I ate some very delectable cuisines. I danced in the rain until my friend told me it was acid rain and I got utterly lost on the subways. I had the complete Korean family treatment- with three complete Korean breakfasts (which I must admit is the best among all the cultures in the world.)

Yes, Seoul was amazing. I love "Red Mango" yogurt. Have you tried it? It is the best yogurt that I have`ever had. I mean it is a little sweet, but with the tartly refreshing tang that only yogurt can provide and the consistenty- it's like arctic silk. It is so smoothly cold, but it melts like a single snowflake on a molten tongue. I couldn't believe how good it really was. I went three times in 4 days. I think I am addicted.

Oh, yes, I decided to share my writing with the world, because I write well when I'm writing to you. I guess you're kind of a muse. Can I call you Calliope?

It's the name of one of the 8 muses of Athens.

How was your trip with your friend? Did you enjoy parent's day. I called my mother this morning and we talked for about an hour. She wants me to come home because she misses me, but I told her that I was happy here and I would return when I learn how to make perfect kim chi.

I saw "Kingdom of Heaven" on Saturday. Did you see it yet? I don't want to ruin the movie for you, but I'll just say it was interesting for a comedy.

I hope to talk to you later. Tuesday is a busy day. I am having my first lesson with 4 psychatrist today. It should be interesting.

Monkeyboy

I just found out today that I'm going to be an uncle. I'm only 25 so I don't quite know what to think about this. It's scary, it's interesting, it's exciting, it's amazing that my little sister is going to bring two lives into this world.

Yes, I did say two lives. She's going to have twins and she is only 18. Give me a second to contemplate and let it all sink in.

I think my muse arrived today, now do I have the motivation to put it all down on paper and work at it? I'm a lazy fucker you know.

Geez, have you noticed how I have the ability to turn everything around to make it all about me. I am an egocentric prick.

Anyway, my cute social butterfly sister is going to be a mother and I believe that she is going to be great.

Let's see the characters.

I have Jill, a sports obsessesed, near anal retentive, slightly caustic but utterly adorable, Korean adoptee.

Daniel, the stereotypical sensitive, yet very mentally fucked up drug obsessed muse searcher. Another Korean adoptee.

Jenna, the 18 year old pregnant with twins social butterfly who was, before this dose of reality, a normal American Eagle clothes folder getting ready for prom while dealing with the anxiety of getting accepted into college.

Mom, the cement of the family. The very close to retirement mother who was originally a sociology major that taught dyslexic kids in Tennesee and later went on to work for Amtrak for almost 30 years. Has extreme thresholds of understanding and patience. Was the oldest of 12 children. She is beautiful in mind and spirit. The most noble mother in the world.

Dad, ridden with parkinson's disease who is a prisoner of his own body. When he was younger he would get up at 5am and start working on the yard in the weekends. He was a green beret. He was an FBI agent. He knows more about the government then 60 minutes.

I have the characters and a plot. Now to get it on paper.

tune in another day.

Uncle Dan is a jolly ole fellow. He's a bit strange because he always takes crazy chances and runs around the globe looking for something that he can't really find. He says it's love or experiences, but I really think he's just running away. Uncle Dan is very thoughtful though. Even though distant on designated days he has the ability to surprise you with something that you've always wanted and desired. However, we'd just like him to settle down.

Hello ummm. Hello everybody. My name is William and I am 4 years old. Ummm. It's Monday and on Monday's I have to go to school. I don't like to, but Mommy makes me. Mommy is a nurse, so she always where's white clothes. Some days Mommy sleeps all day, but it's okay, because I have lots of movies.

Ummm. Yeah, oh, you wanna hear something funny? Defecate. I think it's a funny funny word. Defecate. My friend Kate is Def so I think it means about that.

Yesterday, I went to brown baby pool and Edward he told me I had to Defecate. I told him na ah, and he said ya huh. So I told him he should shove popcorn up his nose and he said I should defecate.

Edward is silly because one time he stuck popcorn up his nose and he shot them out by sticking his thumb up the other nose hole and blowing really hard through his nose. He shot Margarita with the popcorn booger. She got really angery so she hit him with her Ken doll.

Edward then stuck more popcorn up his nose because he really really wanted to get her back and he got too much stuck up his nose and then he couldn't get them out and Miss Mary came and she told him to breathe through his mouth but he was crying and his Mommy and Daddy had to take him to the hospital and the next day he came back with a big bandage on his nose and Miss Mary told us not to stick anything up our nose but I had a really big boogie and I asked her if I could stick my little little pinky to get it out and she said I should use a tissue so I stuck a tissue up my nose and it got stuck to the boogie. I was too scared to get it out, so I had a white mustache for a while until Miss Mary pulled it out for me. She even got the boogie. I love Miss Mary.

Okay. I'm going to eat cookies. Bye.

The other day, I had a fight with a Korean man.

It wasn't a huge fight, but it got me a little peeved. Especially since it wasn't even my fault ( but the incident could have been avoided if I heeded a wee bit of foresight.) Oh, well, so it goes.

Wednesday night, I had a party on my porch under the black trash bag weaved tapestry. You see I live on the roof of an apartment complex in a what looks like a little aluminum box. Actually, you know the holding cars on the backs of 18 wheelers? Yeah, that's kinda what I live it. It's divided up into three different compartments and they threw three doors on the front. Inside it is like a little studio apartment you could get in like New York city or something. It doesn't have a stove- instead I have a little propane powered campfire grill, a little sink that groans with the collected weight of plates- held to the wall by the water pipe, oh and I huge full sized refrigerator. It is the irony of my apartment, actually we don't even call it an apartment, it's too depressing. Compartment is more like it. We, Cynthia a fellow teacher, and I like to call it our tent. When you think of the compartment as a tent, then it ain't so depressing anymore.

My tent has like heated floors, air conditioning, screen windows, a full sized refrigerator, television, internet, and a bathroom. Yes, the bathroom. When you consider it inside of a tent it's like a luxurious extravagance until you actually get inside. It is a room with a sink, a toilet and a mirror. There is no shower to speak of. There is a showerhead on the wall that is heated by propane. In the winter this miniscule stream of urine temperature water is not sufficient to wash a grown man while defrosting the ice that forms around his toes. It could be worse. I mean the sheiks of Arabia don't have a shower head in their tent after all.

So I had a party the other night and we had about 12 people here all drinking Soju (which is a Korean form of rubbing alcohol, but hey it only costs a dollar and one bottle is all it takes to get one nice and toasty) and beer. We talked about our Korean experience and I lost the "apartment-off" as the other foreign English teachers talked about their tents. Many of their tents didn't even have a kitchen sink or even an air conditioner. The air conditioner was the clincher in my defeat. I have like a pop-up trailer while everyone else hovels in little nylon doo-das.

As the night carried on, I brushed upon many topics. I think it started with how Koreans don't flush their toilet paper (they put in a trashcan next to the can), and ended with one guy pondering how hard one would have to fuck a girl to make her ovaries burst. That one closed down the house and nobody asked for an encore.

Oh, let me segueway to a little side story. Raimi, a rotund Canadian that is a huge tech guy came to my party and told one of his ridiculously dry, jokes. This is the joke that would cause me to be threatened with a pair of scissors by a very seriously alienated New Zealand Kiwi, bent on destruction the next day.

"So, I was drinking absinthe the other night," he said with a straight face and no indication of a joke in his voice.

"Absinthe?" one of the Koreans attending the party asked.

"Yeah, Absinthe, it's the green alcohol you see drinking on Moulin Rouge. It's like a hallucinogen." he answered.

"Hallucinogen?" the Korean said perplexed.

We all knew this could go on all night and honestly nobody wanted to teach English to Koreans at this point in the night. We just let it slide.

"So, I was drinking Absinthe the other night."

"Where did you get the Absinthe." Neil the drug starved Canadian asked feigningly.

"One of my French friends smuggled it in in a shampoo bottle."

"Is there any left?"

"No, I used the last of it the other day to wash my pubic hair." Raimi answered already realizing where Neil was going with this.

"So I was drinking Absinthe the other day and then the next day I realized that I had a really bad case of gas. I mean it was really really bad and I realized it was making a very strange sound. Kinda like 'FONDA.' So I had to teach in a couple hours, so I'm really worried about this 'cause it's kind embarrassing. I mean it wasn't a stinky fart or anything, it was just the noise, 'FONDA. FONDA.' So I called my French friend to ask if he had the same problem and he said, "Absinthe makes your farts go Fonda? Absinthe makes your farts go Fonda?" And then I realized that yes it does, 'Absinthe makes your farts go fonda.'"

It took a second until the joke sunk in and many of us let out a groan and a forced ha ha.

"Absinthe makes your farts go fonda?" the Korean asked.

"It's supposed to be like an English saying we have. Absence makes your heart grow fonder." I explained to the Korean.

"Is that supposed to be funny?" the Korean person said.

"No, I answered. Raimi you're a schmuck." I said.

That was the phrase the next day that would get me threatened by the very reserved Kiwi in the breakroom. Because his name is Charlie, he confused Raimi with his name and so he thought I had called him a schmuck. Now I wouldn't call him a schmuck. A introverted, ticking time bomb of postal action, sure, but not a schmuck. I didn't think enough of him to try and explain it to him. He had just gotten fired that day from the language institute we all work at for being a mumbling, unhappy, brown stain on the panties of our happy hagwon.

Oh, about the fight. Anyway, stupid drug feigning Neil decided because he couldn't get high off of unconvential drugs decided to dose himself a bit of mischief by putting a ceramic flowerpot precariously on a sign above the street and over CARS on the street. The next day, a nice northwesterly breeze rocked the sign a bit and it fell off and landed in the motorcycle basket of a parked motorcycle the next day. Amazingly the flowerpot hadn't broken, but the motorcyclist was a little peeved because it potentially could have ruined his day. He rushed up to our landing and beat on the three doors of our tent like the big bad wolf. I'm pretty sure the translated Korean of his ranting and raving was something like, "Hey fuckhead, get the fuck out of your little tents so I can punch you in the kidney for trying to drop a flowerpot on my head you fucking shit, cunt, motherfucker." My Korean isn't very good, but I'm very perceptive. I was hoping to wait it out, but it was a siege and I knew the longer I waited it, the more it would confirm my guilt.

So I went out.

Outside was this Korean guy, about forty or so, brown faced and skinny, wearing a pair of dark brown corduroy pants and a red and black plaid shirt that looked like it came from a era and and a time far, far away. Oh, and a bright yellow hat, if the clash wasn't enough, he had a bright yellow construction yellow hat. He proceeded to yell at me, waving the pot in my face and getting really, really close to my face. I mean I could smell the kim chi on his breath and that ain't anything pleasant. I said, "Chaesong Hamnida, Chaesong Hamnida" over and over hoping to calm him down, but like my knowledge of the Korean language is minimal so trying to explain to him was like out of the question.

So I said to him, "Chaesong Hamnida, Muragessumikka, Cha nun wei guk en imnida." I told him I don't understand, that I was a foreigner.

"Wei?" he said, shocked.

"Cha nun Jae mi gyo po." which means, I am a Korean born in America.

After that his fury calmed and a look of confused embarrassment filled his face. He tried to mime to me what had happened and I mimed I didn't know anything about it. I then pulled out my wallet and handed him a ten thousand won note (which is about 10 dollars), but he refused to take it. Wanting no hard feelings I offered it again. He took it. He said, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Thank you, Thank you." He shook my hand and left the landing.

Money. The international language.

Oh, like I said, this could have been avoided because Cynthia told me at work that Neil the asshole had put the flowerpot on the sign and suggested we take it down. I cast it off as a no bother, I figured I could get to it later.

Just another adventure in the land of the not quite right.