My Coffee Rant Begot another Coffee Rant

Friday, April 09, 2010

Interesting, apparently the Happy Lunatic's rant on coffee made it onto Daveseslcafe. 
And now there are even more people adding to my rants. Here's one from Bloopity Bloop.

I didn't sleep enough last night and even though I really had to take a piss, I didn't want to get out of bed when I woke up. I just laid there among my mass of floral blankets and pillows with a painful grimace on my face. I SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD THAT GLASS OF MILK LAST NIGHT! After 10 minutes, I couldn't take the pain any longer and stumbled to the john. When I let the dam open, I yelled, "FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOOOOMMMM!" with my hands raised. Upon looking back at my overly yellow river (my life is in dire need of more water), I noticed that it had meandered into undesired places. DANGIT. The realization that I'd have to clean my bathroom for the first time in 8 months hit me like my dad back in '97 (REALLY HARD). But looking at the clock, I realized I only had about 15 minutes before I'd have to leave for work. My boss hates when I'm late, and especially when I'm really late.

So I left that piss where it fell like acid rain in what I like to call my Golden Shower Room. I have Chinese blood in me so I have to use words like golden, jade, or grand to describe everything I own. Shower 'cause I take showers and other regular s*** in there. I s*** there too. My officetel's probably gonna be rancid when I get back from work. Whatever.


So I left for work and passed by a Dunkin Donuts, WHICH I LOVE. Especially when they pour that hot water into my coffee at the very last moment. One time, they pretened like they weren't going to do it so I put my best sad expression on--it looks really sad. If you cried during Grave of the Fireflies, wait 'til you saw my face that day. Then they were like, "OH you know we wouldn't forget your hot water." and I was like, "You got me... NOW GIMME THAT BAG OF COFFEE. I'll pay whatever the price to have my double D coffee fix in the mornings. All I want you to do is to be there and pour hot water." So I bought the bag and was on my way. With 20k won out of my pocket, I felt lighter, more agile. I felt like a new man. I had a new outlook on life.

Some people don't make 20k won in a month. Some people don't even know what 20k won IS. That means that those people wouldn't be able to buy a 20k won bag of coffee at Dunkin. So I took that bag and shared it with the masses--and by masses I mean my kids at school. I work at an elementary school and my students were saying all this stuff like, "Teacher, what are they beans you're sprinkling all over the place?" I said, "Haven't you ever heard of Jack and the Bean Stalk? Don't you wanna see some giants that happen to live in the fluffy clouds at the top of said bean stalk?! LEMME SPRINKLE THEM BEANS WHEREVER I PLEASE." Some of the smarter students were already brewing them and kickin' back drinking that fine brown elixir some would call coffee. Others call it other things that I won't mention at this time.

My boss came out and got in my face about what I was doing. He was saying something about me missing my classes and not teaching. But remember that I was a new man. My old life meant nothing anymore. Sure, I'd smell the piss I'd left in my Golden Shower Room earlier in the day but whatever. Okay?

There's this one kid at my school, kid looks like that cat Rain when he was a baby. I've never seen Rain's baby pictures, but if I ever did, I'd probably confuse them with my student at his current age. With the exception of his head, he is much smaller than all his peers. When he sees me, he's always trying to fight me but I say CHILL BABY RAIN! At that point, he's usually got one of his tiny, balled-up fists through my defenses, and at his height, they usually end up making contact with little me. Shoot.

Don't even get me started on the Bucks. Frappucinos man...
And that's not all. There are a few more on the forum. Check it out here.

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